I was in the car recently with some friends and one of them was recounting an evening she recently spent with a guy she’s into. They just cuddled and watched a movie, and the next day he asked her why they didn’t do more. She hadn’t responded yet, and asked the group what she should say, and excuse after excuse poured out of my friends’ mouths:
“Tell him you were on your period!”
“Say that you had to wake up early for work the next day!”
Eventually I asked, “so, why didn’t you guys do more?” and my friend simply said “Because I just didn’t want to.”
I wondered why that wasn’t a sufficient response to this douchelord’s question and I realized that she, like plenty of other women (including myself), was trying to make an excuse so she doesn’t “hurt his
I got to thinking about my own man-protecting behaviors and was lowkey appalled by the lengths I have gone to to avoid bruising the egos of the men in my life. So, without further ado, I bring to you the “Men’s Egos” edition of Things I No Longer Give a Fuck About:
- Faking Orgasms- Before you judge me and say “why would you do that?,” let me inform you that 80% of women have faked an orgasm at one point or another. The reason I do this is simple- I don’t want the men I’m with to think I’m not enjoying it. Men often have this idea that sex was good because they finished, and don’t really concern themselves with whether or not their partner did. I recently watched a TED talk about sexual pleasure and how women are somewhat socialized to think that men are the main beneficiaries of sex because we aren’t taught about “resolution” in the female sense, so we associate sex being over with when the man finishes, and don’t think of female orgasm as an objective of sexual activity (seriously, watch this TED talk, it was hella interesting). And while orgasm isn’t necessary for sex to be considered “good” in my book, and giving my significant other an ego boost by having him fake- rock my world is nice from time to time, I decided that faking it for the sake of their feelings isn’t helpful because a) I’m prioritizing their pleasure over my own, b) I’m not doing anything to teach my partner what works and what doesn’t (which prevents future orgasms, duh), and c) it’s just dishonest.
- Letting Men Down Gently- Now that I’m 21 and able to go to actual bars away from my school, I realized that I actually quite enjoy going out with my friends and blowing off steam on occasion. While shamelessly dancing to Top 40 and drinking mojitos is fun, unsolicited attention from men really isn’t. Whole twitter hashtags and Reddit threads have been dedicated to reasons why women may entertain men they aren’t interested in, and these reasons range from not wanting them to get aggressive (which is totally valid, since women getting killed by men they’ve rejected isn’t uncommon) to making sure their feelings aren’t hurt. Of course, there are going to be men who take “I’m not interested” as “convince me to give you my number,” so I’ve taken to using the “I have a boyfriend” excuse, which is a lie half the time. I thought about the premise of that excuse and realized that men accept it because they’re more willing to respect another man than they are to respect your choice to say no, so I’ve decided to change my tactic to just saying “no thank you,” and walking away. It’s clear, to the point, and doesn’t force me to waste time and energy beating around the bush.
- Staying in Relationships I Don’t Want to Be In- I was in two relationships over the past two years, and I really didn’t want to be. I was so upset at the thought of hurting their feelings that I stayed in these relationships for months after I already decided that I was no longer interested. When I finally gathered the courage to end things, I ended up having to do it twice in both instances because I opted for a “soft breakup,” wherein I claimed to just need “space” and compromised by making the relationships “less serious” and “taking breaks”. In retrospect, that was absolutely ridiculous and counterproductive because a) I was putting someone else’s feelings before my own, b) it was extremely unfair, condescending, and hurtful to the men I dated, and c) BREAKING UP TWICE IS JUST F*CKING STUPID. I’ll write another post about honesty in relationships, but this is probably where I should start.
The central theme here is that I need to put myself first when interacting with men- whether it’s a stranger in a bar, someone I’m dating, or just a ~special friend~- because men are temporary, and your most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.
La Nouvelle Romantique